Be the Mom the Other Moms Can Count On

0

Me:  I’m out getting some cold meds. Stopped at Starbucks and having some crazy PTSD and suddenly a mess. Out in a winter evening getting coffee. I did that so much last year.

Her: I’m so sorry! I do think it will get less as the time goes by but I do think it hits in little ways unexpectedly. We call it being emotionally hijacked – it comes out of nowhere, sucks, and no one wants it – just like a real hijacking.

Me: That’s a good word for this. It’s just not fair. And I can’t even stop or predict it.

Her: You’re right. It’s super not fair! I need to find a bitmoji for this!  Wait for it . . .

Emotionally Hijacked

When your best friend happens to be a therapist and you text her mid-panic, she has actual terms to put to your pain. I probably owe her thousands of dollars. Then again, therapists don’t typically end a session with an inappropriate bitmoji to try to cheer you up. Maybe they should.

I only went to run one quick errand, but the conditions outside lent to an entirely different experience than just grabbing cold meds for my husband. I added a stop at a coffee shop along the way and that, the unusually warm temps at the wrong time of year, even the music that was playing in the car put me in a place I didn’t anticipate. I breathed hard through the checkout lane, ran out to my car and noticed a complete change in who I now know myself to be.

Emotionally hijacked, I had to park along one of the undeveloped roads in our neighborhood. I couldn’t breathe, I was sobbing and the light from the only street lamp nearby was just a big bright blur. I’d been transported back nearly a year simply by the right set of conditions all coming together in the wrong way to bring my pain back to feel so fresh.

And then the following days, I can tell I’m working my way out. I can tell by how long I stay in the shower, by how little I want to be anywhere but home and by the little nudges of fear that creep into my heart. About what? I’m not even sure.

Let’s be the moms that start this movement. Let’s be the moms that show our kids the grace that other people need. Let’s be the moms the other moms can count on.

What Was She Thinking?

I’m very open about the loss of our three quiet babies, but there has been this other pain I’ve walked twice now in the midst of all of that, one I don’t talk about. I often wonder if people think I’m emotionally crippled. “Can’t she handle it? Why does she seem so dark all the time?” What you don’t know is that I’ve been trying not to drown for what feels like forever now. Trying to stay myself in the middle of different pains, while keeping some of it private for my own heart and some of it very public as a means of therapy and connecting with others. What if the person you sit next to and wonder about on a daily or weekly basis has a secret pain? What if the person about whom you wonder “What is her DEAL?” is walking something so painful, and walking it alone?

In the beautiful network of women I get to be a part of, one of our leaders brought this thinking to our table: Rather than think “What was she THINKING?!” we need to slow down and say “What was she thinking?” Changing the tone and the emphasis lends to understanding. It helps us think about the person delivering the behavior we don’t understand, rather than judge her for it.

We’ve seen this change our approach to our individual communities around the country, it’s absolutely changed my parenthood, and just imagine how the landscape of motherhood could change if we applied this to other moms we run into weekly, people who we roll our eyes at on social media and especially our families and our children.

What if rather than feel frustrated and annoyed at a mom we just don’t get, we applied this mantra. What was she thinking? Maybe she’s hurting and either can’t or doesn’t know how to share what’s going on in her life. Maybe she’s a surface level, preschool pick-up level friend who isn’t going to let you in on her pain, after all, what was your name again? But maybe she needs the grace you can offer on the days she just can’t take it anymore. Those little offerings go so much farther than you’d expect, but for those of us that need them, they make a world of difference.

Let’s be the moms that start this movement. Let’s be the moms that show our kids the grace that other people need. Let’s be the moms the other moms can count on.

Contributing Sister Site and Author

Photo by JaneCane Photography / www.janecanephotography.com
About {Beth}

Beth is the Owner and Founder of Twin Cities Moms Blog and the Co-Founder of Duluth Moms Blog. She believes strongly in faith and friendships and the influence good people can have on your life. Having been through it herself, she has a heart for women who have experienced the loss of a baby and find solace in bringing awareness to miscarriage and stillbirth issues. She is wife to Dan and Mommy to two gorgeous girls – Sophia {7 years} and Evelyn {5 years}, baby boy Wesley {2 years} and three sweet babies in heaven. You can find Beth on Instagram. Starbucks is her love language and she’s always up for a coffee date!