Today is October 15th. It seems like an ordinary day (other than the fact that it’s a Monday and the start of what looks like a very long week). But today is a day where we remember those children who we lost — from a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS and many other causes.
October 15th is officially called Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day.
It’s a day when we remember those children who you will never hold in your arms. Children that you’ll never hear giggle and you’ll never know the sound of their voice.
Remembrance Day originated in 1988, when President Ronald Reagan designated October as a month to focus attention on these types of deaths. Advocates later chose the 15th as a specific day for personal reflection and public events, such as the International Wave of Light when parents all over the world are encouraged to light candles at 7 p.m. to recall their lost children.
I am honestly shocked at the number of my friends who have experienced miscarriage and infant loss. It’s so so so common and yet, it’s so so so not talked about. Are we afraid to talk about it? Are we afraid to ask questions to those we know who have lost a child? Do many women suffer alone? I wonder.
I rarely talk about my miscarriage and yet — it is a huge part of my life. When people ask me why my kids are so far apart it’s a little stab to my heart! I know it’s a meaningless question and they are just curious because my children are almost four years apart. People ask us all the time, “so, how do you like that spacing?” I mean — I love it … but it’s not what I had planned. And do people wonder why me and my brother are five years apart? I wonder how many times my mom had to answer that same question because she lost a child at 19 weeks between my brother and myself. And, I’m forever grateful for that loss because otherwise, I wouldn’t be here today. Simple questions can bring up the strangest emotions … and of course, depending on my mood, I might answer in a rather snarky way. 🙂 And sometimes simple questions are the worst kind. How many times have you asked a friend when they are going to have another baby? Well, whose to say they haven’t been pregnant and simply couldn’t talk about it?
For me, I simply could not try for another baby until the due date for our loss passed. It just didn’t feel right. And frankly, I was so upset I’m not sure I could have even gotten pregnant. I mourned what might have been — I wondered things about the baby who died — whether it was a boy or girl … what that baby looked like … and I wondered if I did something wrong to cause the miscarriage. I wondered if it was karma biting me in the ass for not always being a kind person (I didn’t know many kind 16 year old girls … did you)? And to this day — four years later, I still wonder. And yet I’m so so so thankful that I have my sweet little Tyler-boo to bless me with his silliness each day. And then I kinda felt like an idiot for mourning a miscarriage when there are so many women who carry children to term and their babies are born still. Or women whose children are born at not quite 24 weeks and simply don’t have the strength to breathe on their own.
I wrote three of my friends who have experienced a loss where they had a baby to hold in their arms and that baby died. I asked them to tell us what they wish people knew …
“People should just know it is something that is with us every second of everyday. I don’t want people to feel weird about talking about my two children, Allyson and Luke. They are still my children and I love to talk about them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve- it is very personal. Mostly, I am so blessed to have two heavenly children. I would not choose to change God’s course of my life. They made me who I am today!”
“Mostly I just want people to know that Evan is a part of our family. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We choose to talk about him. Some choose not to. He brought our family even closer and brought us Logan. That brings complicated emotions. People think you are magically better when you have another child. But you always remember the child you lost.”
“Even though we are probably going to cry, please ask us how we are doing or ask us about our baby. Although it brings some pain, it also brings back happy memories too. If you avoid it, it’s more awkward for us both then just having a real conversation. If you have a baby, don’t force it down my throat but also don’t completely avoid talking about your own child. I am not jealous. Just because I lost a baby doesn’t mean I don’t want others to be able to love and enjoy their own child or avoid talking about it with me. On that note, don’t monopolize the entire conversation talking about your child. There is a delicate balance but a true friend can find that balance.”
“Try to think about what you say before you say it. Every person’s worst nightmare is the person who says “You will have more kids” or “it’s probably for the better” or “It’s God’s way.” Because all of these things just suck. Don’t say them ever. ”
My friends have what appears to be a really strong support system with family and friends. But it seems that too many families grieve in silence.
Co-founder, Allison Mack also suffered a miscarriage and shared her story in December 2011, which you can read here.
Have you experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss? Has the loss been acknowledged or understood by those around you?
Great post, Katie!
Thank you for also sharing your story. The hardest part for me after my loss was that no one close to me seemed to really get it, including my husband. No one understood how you could be THAT sad after losing someone you’ve never even met. Or how you could be THAT angry/bitter at the sheer site of another pregnancy. I think the solution is in talking about it, and am glad that you all are doing so at AMB today, too. Both co-founders in NOLA have experienced loss, and while we don’t wish it on anyone, ignoring it won’t make it go away either.