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An Open Letter to My Second, Unborn Child

Your father and I just decided that we’ll try again soon, and I can’t stop thinking of you.

For months I swore I wasn’t ready for this. I got defensive each time someone asked when number two was due, and I made it a point that I would only go through the morning sickness, blood tests, childbirth, and the sleepless newborn stage when I’d be excited for the process all over again.

With your brother, I knew I was ready to be a mom because every time I thought of him–the idea of him–I got the “tingles”. I’d stare at my profile in the mirror, imagining my growing belly and the bond he and I would share over the next nine months and beyond. I realized that not a day went by without me thinking of him. That had to mean something.

I knew I’d be ready for you, too, when I’d start to miss those baby hiccups. When I’d linger in the baby section of department stores, wondering what it would be like to dress a little girl, and spend too much time on Pinterest scrolling through creative pregnancy announcements. But really, it hit me out of the blue, just like it did the first time.

I'm Ready

“I want another baby,” I whispered to your Dad, and we laughed because we both knew what that meant. The long, emotional journey ahead of us was not to be underestimated, and grocery trips, “quick” errands, and flights (among other things) would never, ever be the same.

Your big brother is walking now, stringing words and phrases together, and suddenly seems to be enjoying his alone time, too. He’s telling me, in his own way, that he’s no longer the baby I can’t seem to let go of. I don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. Sometimes I’ll stare at him and wonder how it is humanly possible to put in as much energy, heart, tears, everything, into a second child. How on earth I can ever love another human being as much as I love him. And then, I start to feel guilty. What if I can’t? What if you, my second child, will be cheated, in a way?

You might not be my first, but I promise I’ll love you just as much as I love your brother, and that I’ll feel exactly the same way I did when he was born: wondering how terribly boring and meaningless our lives must’ve been without you in it.

I Promise You

I don’t know how everything will unfold in the next year, but what I know is this: it will be very different when you come into this world. And I’m sorry that I won’t be able to spend long hours with you alone because, well, you won’t be alone. You’ll have an older brother who might sometimes even get jealous of you, and we’ll have to do our best to include him so he doesn’t feel that way.

I’ll try to remember to fill your birth book with photos, measurements, and milestones, but don’t hate me if most of the pages just say “place photo here”. I’m sorry if most of your clothes are hand me downs that barely survived your brother’s infant stage, and also if there are bite marks on your crib railings, and your board books have missing flaps.

But I promise you that the Mom you’ll have is a better one. A more confident, trained, and patient one. A Mom who’s been through the roller coaster once already, the colicky nights and growth spurts and cry it out, one who might even trust her gut this time around instead of late night internet searches.

A Mom who’s cried hundreds of times because of how tired, helpless, and drained she was, yet is still ready to do it all over again a second time, for you. You might not have all my attention all the time, but I promise I’ll do my best, even if that means it’ll be messy, sometimes.

You might not be my first, but I promise I’ll love you just as much as I love your brother, and that I’ll feel exactly the same way I did when he was born: wondering how terribly boring and meaningless our lives must’ve been without you in it.

Contributing Sister Site and Author

About {Johanna}

Johanna was born in the south of France, raised in the Caribbean, and has been living in Westchester County for almost a decade. She is an adjunct English professor, blogger, and stay at home mama who loves to travel, do outdoorsy things, and be creative. Find Johanna at https://mamanaturelle.com/ .

Johanna is a contributor for Westchester County Moms Blog, one of our Sister Sites.

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