Dealing With Motherhood Without Your Mom

Five years ago when I was 3 months pregnant with my first daughter, my mom passed away. Just like that, she was gone. It was the worst day of my life, it felt like the world caved in on me. What was supposed to be the happiest time of my life was clouded by the sad realization that I was going to experience motherhood without the person I needed the most by my side. I naturally always imagined that she would be there when I had my own children, it was unbearable to accept the fact that I had to do this without her.

The days that I gave birth to my two girls were beautiful and perfect, yet I couldn’t shake the sadness of wishing that my mom was there to witness the miracle. I had a constant stream of visitors from family and friends, yet the  flurry of people could not touch the loneliness I felt knowing my mom would not be walking through those doors. All the nurses were amazing taking care of me and making sure I was ok, but none of them had the nurturing and soothing touch that my mom would have had to make me feel better. My husband was by my side the entire time but my mom was not there to help me with the gross after birth stage that he shouldn’t have had to deal with.

After getting home from the hospital, everyone was over to help with the baby, but my mom was not there to make sure I was taking care of myself.  My mom would have known when I needed to eat or sleep and made sure it happened. She would have cooked such great meals to soothe my soul after trying deliveries. She would have just known what I needed at any given time and would have gotten it for me. If my babies were crying (not from hunger) most people threw them back at me to figure it out while I was already overwhelmed, my mom would have instead taken my daughters and instantly known how to soothe them. She had that touch, that knowledge, that instinct to know how to fix everything for me.  But she was not there.

I was never one to ask for help with my girls, even when it was offered. It is hard for me to ask for help because I don’t want to feel like my children are burdening anyone, even if it’s immediate family. If it was my mom, I wouldn’t think twice about asking for help because she naturally would have helped before I had to ask for it. She would have done it in a way where I didn’t even know I needed something until she did it for me. I think this is why I am so independent and why I take on so much more than I should at times. I don’t want to have to get help from anyone else because simply put, they can’t replace my mom. I know it’s something I have to work on, asking for help and actually letting people help me with the girls – baby steps.

I developed anxiety after my mom’s death and because of this I have a hard time being away from my girls or letting other people watch them. I fear that something may happen to them or to myself if we are separated and I don’t want them to experience the pain I did when I lost my mom. I feel as though no one else can take care of them the way that I can, or the way my mom would have. I know that this is not a healthy way to think and it is something that I am working on – baby steps.

What was supposed to be the happiest time of my life was clouded by the sad realization that I was going to experience motherhood without the person I needed the most by my side.

Another tough thing about being a motherless mother is watching your children grow up way too fast and wishing your mom would have seen that funny face they made or watch that clumsy first step. You wish you could call your mom for a recipe that your baby who is learning to eat solids would like or ask for advice on how to handle the not-so-fun teething stage. My mom will miss the first days of school, dances, proms, weddings, and the birth of my grandchildren.

I do take comfort in knowing that both my girls now have a guardian angel to watch over them. I also know that she is watching and protecting my two brothers and my three beautiful nieces. She would have relished her 5 granddaughters and spoiled them to pieces with love, food, and so much more food. That is how she showed her love, through feeding you until you couldn’t eat anymore. I will continue to try and do my best for my girls, to make my mom proud. If I could be half the mom that she was, I know that my girls will be ok. I always tell my friends to never take their moms for granted, because in one split second your whole world can change. My oldest daughter says that her grandma is a star in the sky, so at night she likes to look out the window and point to the brightest star saying “there’s grandma!”. Keeping her memory alive through my daughters is something that brings me peace and comfort during the tough days. It is not easy doing this without her, but she raised me to be strong and that is what I am. Thank you, mom.